Mr Angry, of the excellent blog “Angry 365 Days a Year” has been looking at Glaxo’s latest and greatest drug – the weight loss wonder(?) – alli.
He’s been looking at the alli website and has provided us with a useful translation of the marketing copy that Glaxo paid so much to get written:
Website Bullshit (WSBS): You may get:
- gas with oily spotting,
- loose stools
- more frequent stools that may be hard to control
No BS: The following things will happen to you:
- You will spray oil when you fart
- You will have diarrhoea
- You will be shitting constantly and you will lose control of your bowels to the point where you shit your pants
WSBS: The excess fat that passes out of your body is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza.
No BS: Oh dear god. Pizza is one of my favourite foods and these evil fucks have done their best to turn me off it for life. It will be very hard to look at a pizza again without wondering if someone on this drug has taken a shit on it.
WSBS: Eating a low-fat diet lowers the chance of these bowel changes. (my emphasis)
No BS: Even if you do cut back on fat, you’re still going to shit oil.
WSBS: …pick a day to begin taking alli, such as a weekend day so you can stay close to home if you experience a treatment effect.
No BS: Do not go out in public after taking this drug. You are going to shit yourself. Stay close to a toilet.
WSBS: If you’re getting ready to travel or attend a social event, hold off on starting with alli until the event is over.
No BS: Don’t say you weren’t warned. You are seriously going to shit yourself.
WSBS: You may not usually get gassy, but it’s a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens.
No BS: You’re old life is over. Forget what you think you know about your body. You are going to fart uncontrollably. And there will be follow-through. This is not going to be something you want to share.
And my absolute favourite (which is to say, the part of the website that horrifies me most):
“You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it’s probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work.”
Oh. My. Fucking. God. They are so sure you are going to shit your pants they are saying you should accept the inevitable. There is no way to avoid this. So wear dark pants to hide the liquid shit stains. And bring a change of clothes. Because your first set are going to get impregnated with liquid shit.
To me, this is the ultimate evidence that western society is utterly fucked. You can tell people that taking a pill will make them shit their pants uncontrollably. And your pill will be an utterly out of control success.
There was also a link to a video where you could “watch alli in action”. I assume this is a video showing people shitting their pants. I couldn’t bring myself to look. Try a video you might be able to stomach – I’ve done a video version of this post for your viewing pleasure.
Well – there you have it. Just don’t tell me you haven’t been warned!